I handed Cecelia over.
Violet looked down at her.
“Can I hold her?”
“Hi, sweetheart.”
Cecelia yawned.
Violet smiled through tears.
“I knew your daddy when he didn’t have teeth either.”
For a minute, grief stopped fighting us.
Then, a few weeks later, I heard Violet talking to Mark’s aunt in my living room.
“Hi, sweetheart.”
“Mark wasn’t himself at the end.”
I stopped in the kitchen.
“Sally handled those decisions. He never would’ve chosen that if he’d been thinking clearly.”
I walked into the room.
“Mark wasn’t himself.”
“Give her to me.”
Her face changed.
“Sally, I was just…”
“Give me my daughter.”
She handed Cecelia over.
I settled her against my chest.
“Give her to me.”
“You will never say that in front of her again.”
“She’s a baby.”
“She won’t always be.”
Violet’s eyes filled.
“You still have something of him.”
“She’s a baby.”
I stared at her.
She looked at Cecelia.
“You wake up and see him in her. What do I get?”
“Me.”
Violet froze.
“You had me.”
Her face crumpled.
“Me.”
“I loved you too, Violet.”
She covered her mouth.
“You’ve spent weeks making me the enemy because it’s easier than admitting Mark chose something you couldn’t stop.”
She shook her head.
“He wasn’t himself.”
“I loved you too, Violet.”
“He knew you’d say that.”
Violet looked up.
“What?”
I reached for my laptop.
“Mark left me something.”
Her face went pale.
“If he had something to say, he should’ve said it while he was alive.”
“What?”
“He did.”
I pressed play.
Mark’s voice filled the room.
“Donation was my choice.”
Violet closed her eyes.
“Mom, if you’re hearing this, you’re probably furious. You loved me before anybody. But loving me doesn’t mean you get to decide which choices were mine.”
“Donation was my choice.”
Nobody spoke.
“Don’t make Sally prove she loved me by agreeing with you.”
Violet covered her mouth.
“And don’t put Cecelia in the middle. She isn’t something I left behind. She’s Sally’s daughter and mine, and she gets to become herself.”
“Turn it off,” Violet whispered.
Nobody spoke.
I did.
Then I looked at her.
“I want Cecelia to know you.”
Violet started crying.
“But you will never tell her I made her father do this. And you’ll never make her responsible for how much you miss him.”
“I don’t know who I am without him.”
Violet started crying.
“Neither do I, Violet. This is harder than anything I’ve ever had to do.”
I looked down at Cecelia.
“But she doesn’t need us to know yet.”
***
Six months later, Violet sat on my living-room rug while Cecelia fought with a wooden block.
Our relationship wasn’t fixed.
“Neither do I.”
It was healing.
Violet asked before visiting now.
She asked before picking Cecelia up.
And when she missed Mark, she said she missed Mark.
That afternoon, Cecelia grabbed the block so tightly her knuckles went white.
Violet smiled.
It was healing.
